Chapter 3  - Settling the Northern Colonies

 

KEY TERMS, PEOPLE, AND EVENTS (1619-1700)

                                                                   

Religious Fuckers cause the New England Migration:

 

Protestant Reformation - p. 41 1B - This was begun in 1517 when Martin Luther posted his 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg church.

John Calvin - p. 41 1B - From Geneva, his ideas eventually spread throughout Europe.  His sect of Calvinism kicked ass in both the Old World and the New World.  Wrote Institutes of the Christian Religion

Predestination - p. 42 1T - The central idea of Calvinism, this said that God had already chosen the ppl that would be saved and the ppl that were predestined 2 suck cock 4 all eternity.

                   “Original Sin” - p. 42 1T - Calvin believed that this made us retarded, while God was all-knowing & all-good.

                   “The elect” - p. 42 1T - The guys that would get their cock sucked by angels 4 all eternity in heaven.

                   “The damned” - p. 42 1T - The guys that would suck devils’ cock 4 all eternity in hell.

“conversion” - p. 42 1T - This was the sign that god would give 2 a believer 2 tell him that he was one of “the elect”.  It was claimed 2 be an intense experience in which God came and personally sucked his fat cock.

“Visible Saints” - p. 42 1T - This status was achieved once a faggot could convince everybody that he already had the ‘conversion’ thingie.  They were powerful, but were expected 2 lead ‘sanctified lives’.

Puritans - p. 42 1T - The name given 2 the Calvinists in England they didn’t like the pussy Anglican changes that were 2 close 2 Catholicism and so wanted 2 ‘purify’ the church.

Non-conformists - These guys thought that they could stay and purify the Anglican church.  They were more moderate, unlike the crazy-ass mother fucking…

Separatists - These guys thought that that there was no use 2 stay, and decided 2 get the fuck out.

Pilgrims - p. 42 2T - These were the most famous of the separatists.  There name was derived 4um ‘pilgrimage’, when a buncha retarded religious faggots made trips 2 holy sites and shit. 

Holland - p. 42 2T - This is where they went @ 1st, cuz of the tolerance provided by the Dutch Reform dudes.  However, they soon became alarmed @ the ‘Dutchification’ of their kids.

Mayflower  - p. 42 2T - After consulting w/ the Virginia Company, they decided 2 emigrate 2 the New World in 1619.  They were originally gonna go 2 Jamestown, but ran off course…

Plymouth Bay - p. 42 2B - After checking out the coast, they decided that this would be the best place 2 fuck all day, and so made this their settlement.

Mayflower Compact - p. 42 2B - 1620 - B4 getting off, everybody signed this document, which said that decisions would be made by direct voting of the males males males (cuz they’re the only ones that can get their cock sucked.  (They hadda do this document cuz less than half of the guy were Puritans; they rest were fuckers who didn’t give a fuck about democracy.)

William Bradford - p. 43 1B - This fool was the craziest of all them religious ppl, and since he was also really smart, he was elected 2 be the governor of the Plymouth Bay colony 30 times (30yrs).

William Laud - p. 43 2B - This orthodox (old-skool) archbishop of Cantebury kicked ass during the reign of Charles I and stuffed really big dildos up the asses of the Puritans.

Charles I - p. 43 2B - In 1629 he kicked Parliament and started enlargening the dildos.  Suffering 4um anal ruptures and unable 2 do anything, the non-conformists freaked and ran off 2 the New World. 

Great Puritan Migration - p. 43 2B - (1630-1642) - This was a direct result of the policies of Charles I.  These 65,000 motherfuckers (mostly non-conformists)  mainly went 2 the Caribbean, some 2 New England, but very few 2 the Chesapeake area, cuz they were afraid of the blowjob-lovin’, dildo-shovin’ aristocracy of Virginia.

Congregationalists - The Puritans in America wanted a cool name of their own, and they got it.  In the colonial era, these guys mainly dominated in the New England area.

Episcopalian - Not 2 be left out, the Anglicans got a name as well.  These guys mainly dominated in the plantation colonies, where there were lots more royal and proprietary colonies w/ horny-ass aristocrats.

William Bradford - p. 44 1B - This dumbass thought that he had received the calling 4um God, and so used that bullshit 2 become the governor of Massachusetts.

“Covenant” - p. 44 1B - This was a ‘cool’ society that was supposed 2 provide a model 4 all the other pathetic humans all over the world.  Bradford bragged 2 the world that that was what Massachusetts was.

Franchise - p. 44 2T - Synonymous w/ THE VOTE, this was given 2 ‘cool’ men @ 1st (visible saints), but was later given 2 all guys.  Just remember that ‘enfranchise’ means ‘to give the vote 2’.

 

New England’s Penetration into the American Pussy:

 

Bible Commonwealth - p. 43 2B - This was the name given 2 the Massachusetts Bay Colony cuz of their virtual combining of church and state. 

Town hall democracy - This was the type of govt. in which ppl meet periodically in a town hall and do votes on shit.  This was possible and efficient 4 the Puritans colonies only cuz the villages were small.  Once it got 2 big, there would be a few hot chicks, and so the guys would then vote 4 all the chicks 2 hafta suck cock.  This govt. is a type of direct democracy, the purest form, in fact.  However, on a provincial level, it wasn’t a democracy, cuz only these guys were allowed 2 vote…

Freemen - p. 44 2T - Only Puritan males were freemen.

General Court - p. 45 1T - Like the House of Burgesses in Virginia, this was the representative body that Massachusetts elected.  Of course, only freemen could vote this shit.

John Cotton - p. 45 1T - The craziest religious fag in all of New England, he was educated @ Cambridge and ran over here when his ass started 2 hurt.  Like all other clergy, he had lotsa political power.

“Protestant ethic” - p. 45 1B - This was supposedly what governed the lives of the Puritans, in which their gayness and whatnot were suppressed until they exploded in a shower of white jizz.  However, as the book sez, the Puritans still enjoyed some ‘simple’ shit such as fucking, drinking, smoking, and oh yes, cock-sucking.

Anne Hutchinson - p. 45 1B - A ‘smart’ woman, she challenged the Puritan shit w/ her antinomianism, which said that we didn’t hafta follow any laws if we knew that we were already “the elect”.  She ran off 2 Rhode Island, but got killed by Indians.  Wasn’t so ‘smart’ after all.

Roger Williams - p. 48 1B - This super-separatist wanted a complete break w/ the Anglican church, as well as the separation of church and state.  However, this presented a threat 2 his moderate non-conformist bros.  Since his popularity and standing made him a big threat, he was exiled, but ran off 2 Rhode Island.  Since a buncha other dissenters ran off 2 Rhode Island, that colony was very democratic.  Roger also founded the Baptist church.

Thomas Hooker - p. 49 1T - This reverend speared the penetration of the New England cock into the Connecticut Valley and Hartford.

Fundamental Orders - p. 49 1T - This was basically the constitution that Hooker and his other colonists drafted up.  It the 1st of its kind, later adopted by Connecticut itself 2 serve as the actual state constitution.

 

Oh Shit!!!!  The New England Cock Runs into Some Blockage:

 

Squanto - p. 50 1T - One of the Wampanoags, who lived around Plymouth bay, this dumbass spoke English and was able 2 communicate w/ the Pilgrims.

Massasoit - p. 50 1T -  The chief of the Wampanoags, he signed a peace treaty w/ the Pilgrims in 1621, and, that year, helped them celebrate Thanksgiving, the oldest ‘American’ holiday.

Pequot War - p. 50 1T - In 1637, this war in CT ended w/ the complete slaughter of the Native Americans.

King Philip (Metacom) - p. 50 1B - Son of Massasoit, he got tired of the white intrusion and tried 2 force them 2 pull out.  Too bad 4 him, but he got his ass kicked in 1676, and sucked some really major cock.

New England Confederation - p. 50 2B - 1643 - This was formed by Massachusetts, Plymouth, New Haven, and Connecticut.  Although this was just a piece of shit, it was the 1st step towards colonial unity.

Dominion of New England - p. 50 2B - 1686 - Created by the royal crown after Charlie II gained power, it included New England @ 1st, but then eventually included all of the northern colonies.  The British justified this move, which took away a lot of freedom, but saying that it was 2 help protect the colonists 4um crazy ass Injuns.

Navigation Acts - p. 52 1B - Stating that England’s colonies wouldn’t trade w/ other countries, it was originally passed 2 prevent the Dutch economic cock 4um growing bigger.  One of the Dominion’s real goals was 2 enforce this rarely-obeyed law.

Sir Edmund Andros - p. 52 2T - This mother fucker grew 2 be the leader of the dominion, and was very repressive, taking away many of the rights that the colonials had gotten used to.

Glorious Revolution - p. 53 1T - (1688-89) - In England, James II was kicked out and William and Mary were brought in.  This meant the end of royal conservatism, and the inspired colonists beat the shit outta Andros and his soldiers, once again getting freedom.  But the English presence remained in the form of judges, etc.

The Middle Colonies (N.Y., N.J., Delaware, Pennsylvania):

 

Henry Hudson - p. 54 1B - In 1609, he sailed up the Hudson River 4 the Dutch East India Company, and claimed it 4 the Dutch.  In order 2 settle this area, they created the…

Dutch West India Company - p. 54 1T - While much smaller than the crazy-ass East India Company, they were nonetheless able 2 flex their muscle in 1623 by founding the New Netherlands.  The Dutch were enjoying quite some power @ this time cuz of their economic powers.

Patroonships - p. 54 2B - The name given 2 the plots of land given 2 Dutch ppl in the New Netherlands, it showed the domination by the aristocrats.  Eventually, New York would be the most aristocratic of all the Middle Colonies.

New Sweden - p. 55 1B -  1638 - Coming off a victory in the 30 yrs’ war, Sweden was eager 2 show off its big cock and so planted this colony.

Directors-General - p. 55 2B - These were guys that the Dutch sent over 2 the New Netherlands.

Peter Stuyvesant - p. 55 2B - The director-general w/ the biggest cock, he was sent 2 the New World in 1655, and beat the shit outta the New Sweden guys.  Thus, they were made 2 suck cock and get out of there.

Duke of York - p. 56 1B - After Charles II came back 2 the throne and started reasserting powers, this faggot was granted the New Netherlands.  So he got a navy and conquered it in 1664, renaming after himself, New York. 

Berkeley and Carteret - At the same time, in 1664, these guys also went out w/ an army and est.  New Jersey

Quakers - p. 56 2B - Their official name was Religious Society of Friends, but they got this name cuz ppl said that they ‘quaked’ when they went apeshit w/ religious fervor.  They were persecuted almost everywhere, not cuz their beliefs were really threatening, but cuz they were serious weirdos: no swearing, ‘thee’, ‘thou’ bullshit, those funny looking hats and shit.

Test Oaths - p. 57 1B - The govt. officials of the colonies used these 2 make sure that u weren’t Catholic, but since the Quakers wouldn’t swear 2 nothing, it really pissed them off, leading 2 some severe blowjob-giving.

William Penn - p. 57 2T - Tired of seeing his fellow Quakers get sodomized w/ huge rubber dildos by the English government, he asked, and got, 4um the king a charter 4 a colony in 1681.  Although Pennsylvania, w/ a buncha nice-ass Quakers and shit, seemed a haven 4 all those oppressed, including the Indians, 2 many ‘mean’ ppl went there, and pressured by the dumbass royal church, problems soon arose and some problems soon arose and shit.

“Bread Colonies” - p. 59 2T - The Middle Colonies were given this name cuz they all exported lotsa food.

 

NOT LIKE U GIVE A SHIT… BUT JUST SO U DON’T GET CONFUSED… (CRAM TIMELINE)

 

1517                            Martin Luther beings Protestant Reformation

1536                            John Calvin of Geneva publishes Institutes of the Christian Religion

1620                            Pilgrims sail on the Mayflower to Plymouth Bay

1624                            Dutch found New Netherland

1629                            Charles I dismisses Parliament and persecutes Puritans, leading 2 the Great Puritan Migration

1630                            Puritans found Massachusetts Bay Colony

1635-1636                Roger Williams convicted of heresy and founds Rhode Island colony

1635-1638                Connecticut and new have colonies founded

1637                            Pequot War in Connecticut

1638                 Anne Hutchinson banished 4um Massachusetts colony

1643                            New England Confederation formed

1655                            New Netherland conquers New Sweden

1664                            England seizes New Netherland 4um Dutch; N.J. founded

1675-1676                King Philip’s War

1681                            William Penn founds Pennsylvania colony

1686                            Royal authority creates Dominion of New England

1688-1689                Glorious Revolution overthrows Stuarts and the Dominion of New England falls.

 

Authored by Dick Wang the Aznheadmaster69