Chapter 2 – The Planting of English America
KEY TERMS, PEOPLE, AND EVENTS (1500-1733)
The 1st fucked up attempts:
Nation-State – After Henry VIII managed 2 create new peerages and cut off heads 2 dilute the power of the nobility, England materialized into a nation-state, which was necessary 4 it 2 venture in the ‘unknown lands’.
Ireland – p. 24 1T – 1580 - The rebellion that occurred here was crushed and the leaders made 2 suck cock. This 1st cock-sucking would start a disturbing trend 4 the English. This event also led 2 unity and greater chances 4 success.
Elizabeth I – p. 24 – (1533-1603) – This energetic queen who wore a shitload of makeup encouraged crazy pirates such as Francis Drake 2 go on the seas and plunder Spanish booty, and also encouraged adventure and exploration, something that had been lacking in earlier yrs cuz Henry VIII was too busy trying 2 get new chicks and trying 2 look hot and handsome 4 our beloved Mr. Toy.
Humphrey Gilbert – p. 24 1B – 1583 - Since the powerful Spanish had a huge cock, the pussy Gilbert tried 2 create a colony up in Newfoundland, as far away 4um them Mexicans as possible. Too bad he died and fucked up.
Sir Walter Raleigh – p. 24 1B – 1585 – He was the half bro of Humphrey, and didn’t learn 4um his brother…
Roanoke Island – p. 24 2T – Sir Walter Raleigh tried 2 set up a colony here in 1585, but he went back 2 London 2 find some hoes 2 bring, and when he got back, he couldn’t find shit!!!! Probably the horny asses grabbed Indians and left.
Spanish Armada – p. 24 2B – 1588 – Here, Drake and his famed Sea Dogs beat the shit out of the Spanish after God blew a “Protestant Wind” and caused a storm. This blowjob was apparently very helpful 2 England, cuz the Armada was fucked up and the English no longer had 2 worry about being harassed by the faggoty Spaniards.
Aw Shit!!!! Skillzos – England’s Colonial Cock starts 2 grow:
James I Stuart – p. 26 1B – (1566-1625) – This king, who followed Liz had Jamestown named after him and shit, but didn’t really like any of the shit that went on cuz he didn’t like tobacco smoking; said it was some gay shit.
Royal Charter – Since the English govt was all gay and shit, he had 2 issue one of these 4 someone 2 be able 2 go 2 some new territory 2 establish a colony. For example, James I issued a ‘royal charter’ 4 Jamestown.
Joint-Stock Company – p. 26 2T – A main difference between Spain and England was that England didn’t have a lot of working capital. Therefore, under this method, a buncha ppl would form pool together $$$ 2 finance shit. After a while, if the value of the shares managed 2 increase, they’d liquidate (sell) the company 4 a nice profit.
Virginia Company – p. 26 2B – Named after Queen Elizabeth I, this company financed a trip 2 the eastern coast of North America in 1607 2 find some gold. Initially, the intent of everybody was not 2 create a permanent settlement; they wanted 2 grab some yellow shit and, quoting Dre, ‘run the fuck up outta there.’
Enclosure Movement – p. 26 1T – By consolidating land parcels, the guys w/ the small parcels were driven out and forced 2 suck cock. Tired of being on their knees all the time, those that were kicked out either found jobs in the Industrial Revolution, or, went and joined some of the new and fledging adventures into the New World.
Jamestown – p. 27 1T – 1607- Named after James I, the mother fuckers that came here were lookin’ 4 some gold 2 run back home and gratify the investors of the Virginia Company. So obsessed w/ yellow shit, they forgot 2 look 4 food and build houses so consequently, a buncha the idiots bit the dust.
John Smith – p. 27 1B – This probably handsome young man took over in 1608 and tried 2 instill some sense into the colonists of Jamestown. Unfortunately, that was like trying 2 get rid of Dr. Irani’s accent or get Bush 2 act smart; it just couldn’t be done. So the lust 4 gold continued 2 kill more and more ppl.
Pocahontas – p. 27 2T – This Indian princess ‘stopped’ the execution of John Smith by the Indians, in a mock execution designed 2 bring closeness and togetherness w/ the Englishmen. “And kids, watch Disney movies ONLY for entertainment.” (Jiggle Jiggle).
“starving time” – p. 28 1T – (1609-1610) - So Bush is still pumpin’ out Bush-isms and the colonists were still being stupid. After this, the 400 original idiots were reduced 2 60 idiots. The idiots were so desperate that one of them misconstrued a wife’s invitation of ‘eat me out’ 2 ‘eat me’, and ate her!!! For killing, salting, and eating his wife, this guy’s dick was chopped off, given 2 the Indians 2 eat, and summarily executed (thankfully 4 him).
Lord De La Warr – p. 28 1T – This guy was sent 2 reinforce the Jamestown guys in 1610, so that they could continue on and try 2 muster some cash 4 the investors. This fucker put up a real dictatorship so that thing could run better.
First Anglo-Powhatan War – p. 29 1T – (1610-1614) – De La Warr lived up 2 his last name by building up tensions w/ the Indians and starting a war, using “Irish tactics”. The Indians got desperate and decided 2 ask their hottest chick Pocahontas, 2 marry John Rolfe in order 2 end the war.
Second Anglo-Powhatan War – p. 29 1T – (1644-1646) – Well Pocahontas grew old and her tits starts 2 sag, so tensions started up again, and the English once again kicked some serious ass. By 1685, there no longer remained any Powhatan idiots in Virginia.
Tobacco – p. 31 1T – The savior of the ill-fated group @ Jamestown was the cultivation of tobacco, starting in 1616. Tobacco was easy 2 plant, yielded early results and was easy 2 process. Even though individual farmers were unable 2 really make a profit on this shit, the coordination of a buncha workers by a big company or by a rich-ass could easily get lotsa lotsa profits. THE KICKASS CROP OF VIRGINIA AND MARYLAND
John Rolfe – p. 31 1T – The economic savior of the Virginians, he was married 2 Pocahontas in 1614, and his improved sex life (4um jacking off 2 getting head), allowed him 2 start coming up w/ these genius ideas. By 1616, he had already developed a quite efficient method of growing tobacco.
Indentured Servitude – p. 30 1B – This referred 2 the process in which somebody would do a buncha jobs 4 his master 4 a few yrs b4 grabbing his freedom. This was primarily used in the English colonies up 2 1650. The white indentured servants were those that had accrued debts by not having $ 2 pay 4 passage, and the black indentured servants were simply brought over 4um other places.
Yeomen – This was the name given 2 the ppl that received land and some tools after they had finished their period of indentured service. Basically, they were given a plot of land and were able 2 only eke out a subsistence living, party cuz the lushness of the forests was a big obstacle in clearing plots 4 planting. Growing tobacco was an option 4 them cuz of the relative ease of growing that shit, but most simply grew cash crops 2 feed themselves.
Proprietor – p. 30 2B – This means an owner of an estate, so a yeoman could be a proprietor, but it is usually used 2 refer 2 somebody w/ a huge estate w/ lotsa hoes and other assorted cock-suckers.
Slavery – p. 30 1B – The 1st shipload of niggas arrived in Jamestown in 1619, but those were indentured servants. In fact, real slavery wasn’t actually used until about 1640, when they realized that it was becoming a pain in the ass 2 replace niggas every 6 or so yrs.
Labor-intensive Crop – This was the term given 2 crops 4 which u need 2 really bend over and exert a lot. Cash crops weren’t really that hard 2 take care of, but tobacco and sugar are examples, which really led 2 the need 4 slavery.
House of Burgesses – p. 30 2T – 1619 – This was the 1st example of representative govt in the Americas, and was formed in Virginia. Eventually, this shit really pissed off the king (James I), as would the later ones.
Lord Baltimore – p. 30 2B – He founded St. Mary’s in Maryland in 1632, a place where lotsa of gay-ass Catholics went, cuz it was formed as a safe haven. In the 1630’s, Charles I was the king of England, and tried 2 let the Catholics have a fair life too, but the Parliament kept making Catholics suck cock.
Act of Toleration – p. 31 1B – 1649 – Although Lord Baltimore designed Maryland 2 be a haven 4 all the dumbass Catholics, all these Protestants came flowing in, and the alarmed House of Burgesses, w/ some help 4um influential Catholics, passed this act in order 2 promote religious freedom.
Sugar – p. 31 2T – It was a real nice crop, but because of the problems that come w/ production, only guys w/ lotsa capital, or companies, could afford 2 do this shit. Therefore, unlike tobacco, no small farmers even tried 2 plant this shit. Since it grew in subtropical 2 tropical climates, THIS WAS THE KICKASS CROP OF THE WEST INDIES.
Barbados Slave Code – p. 32 1T – 1661 – Seeing how strong and violent the slaves were getting, the pussy English decided pass the code in order 2 control the crazy-ass niggas. For example, this shit said that u could beat the shit outta your slaves, and if they even touched u, then u could do ANYTHING, ANYTHING!!!!
Oliver Cromwell – p. 33 1B – When this guy took over the English govt and beheaded the king in 1649, colonization was stopped cuz this strict-ass Puritan was too busy sewing up girl’s pussies so the adventurers were too scared 2 go 2 the Americas 2 get their cock sucked. During this Interregnum period, there was little colonizing.
Restoration – p. 34 2T – 1660 – Charles II ran back 4um France after Oliver Cromwell died, leaving a dumbass son. W/ the goading of the king, colonization began anew…
Carolina – p. 33 1B – 1670 – This was founded by 8 guys of the Lords Proprietors, all which were ‘favorites’ of the king. Carolina mainly produced food 4 the West Indies, also adopting the slave system.
Rice – p. 33 2B – More humid than Virginia and Maryland but not as humid as the West Indies, this BECAME THE KICAKSS CROP OF THE CAROLINAS. The Carolinas eventually served as the suppliers of food 4 the West Indies, creating a neat little triangle of trade w/ the West Indies and Africa that an economist is sure 2 label ‘SEXY…’
Savannah Indians – p. 33 2T – Coming into conflict w/ the Carolinians cuz they occupied the same territories, they tried 2 run outta there in 1707 2 William Penn and his peaceful Quakers, but got mowed down by 1710.
North Carolina – p. 34 2T – 1712 Since Virginia was the 1st colony and had a bunch of old-skool royal dudes, they didn’t like any weirdos such as fags, lesbos, and homosexuals. So all these gay motherfuckers ran here and established this colony. ALONG W/ RHODE ISLAND, THE MOST DEMOCRATIC OF ALL THE COLONIES.
Squatter – p. 35 1T – These were the ppl that had ran down 4um Virginia who had no claim on the land that they consequently jizzed all over. Indentured servants that finished terms were actually given land 2 live on, but these guys just took whatever they felt like taking.
Iroquois Confederacy – p. 35 1B – According 2 their legend, the great gay guy Hiawatha established this in the late 1500s. Originally w/ 5 tribes, it became 6 when the Tuscaroras got kicked out by N.C. in 1711. They were originally able 2 fend off the Europeans, but like everybody else, they were eventually beat by the huge cock of technology.
Longhouse – p. 36 2T – Self-explanatory, but u might wanna note that even though the guy still ruled the family and got his cocked sucked, where u lived and what u got depended on your mother’s side.
Handsome Lake – p. 37 2B – I’ll bet all these handsomes sure make some of us horny. This guy in 1799 saw some visions or something teaching him how 2 dance all sexy, and his provocative dances managed 2 distract his tribesmen living on the reservation so they couldn’t get drunk all the time and so they could actually get some morals instead of just running around shooting up and fucking everybody.
James Oglethorpe – p. 38 1T – The Carolinas and their rice plantations were tired of the Spanish running over 4um Florida and trampling their crops, so Oglethorpe helped 2 create Georgia in 1733. Whereas many of the other colonies grew as fast as Kevin’s head did, Georgia’s economic growth was comparative 2 that of Tamer’s brain. Reasons include demoralizing Spanish attacks, restrictions of importation of niggas, and a shitty climate.
1565-1590 English learn how 2 get head 4um the conquered by defeating Irish uprising
1577 Drake goes all around Boñaga.. I mean, the world
1585 Raleigh establishes the 1st English colony in the U.S. @ Roanoke Island, but it goes poof
1588 Gee I wonder
1607 The Virginia Company founds Jamestown
1614 First Anglo-Powhatan War ends w/ the marriage of Pocahontas and John Rolfe
1619 The 1st blacks were put into the English colonies, albeit as indentured servants
1634 Lord Baltimore establishes Maryland
1640’s An extensive slave system is set up in the English West Indies
1649 Act of Toleration in Maryland; Charles I loses his cock and head; Cromwell becums Lord Protector
1660 Restoration w/ the return of Charles II
1711-1713 Tuscarora War in N.C.
1712 N.C. formally separates 4um S.C.
1715-1716 Yamasee War in South Carolina
1733 Georgia colony founded