Chapter 1 – New World Beginnings
KEY TERMS, PEOPLE, AND EVENTS (33,000 B.C. – A.D. 1769)
The Americans b4 the Europeans came and made it a shithole:
Canadian Shield – p. 2 2T – This zone was propped up by massive blocks of rock, and was probably the 1st part of North America 2 rise above sea level, about 10 million yrs ago.
Great Ice Age – p. 2 2B – (2,000,000 – 10,000 B.C.) The whole fucking world froze over during this time, and its retreated resulted in the formation of the Great Lakes, as well as the many river systems needed 2 drain all the jizz left over from the horny-ass glaciers.
Siberian Land Bridge – (35,000 B.C. Since all that frozen jizz lowered sea levels around the world, this was exposed, and so Asians who were following migrating animals decided 2 come 2 the New World and kick some ass.
corn (maize) – p. 5 1B – 1st Derived 4um some wild grass living in Mexico, this shit really contributed 2 the growth of a lot of the cultures in North America, as well as the European countries after they jacked it cuz this crop allowed 4 a high yield, so less land was needed 4 the same amount of food.
Pueblo Indians – p. 5 1B – These mother fuckers living in the Rio Grande Valley (N. Mexico, Arizona) built lotsa irrigation ditches 2 water their corn, and lived in these brown houses.
Mound Builders – p. 5 2T – Living in the Ohio River Valley, these, along w/ the Missisipians, were the only guys that actually established a large settlement in North America. However, they were fucked up the ass and dispersed by the year 1300.
three-sister farming – p. 5 2B – This high-yielding method led 2 some of the densest populations in North America, although they didn’t have big settlements all in one place. Basically, this method forced BEANS, CORN, and SQUASH 2 sorta live in an orgy 2 retain moisture and therefore maximize yields.
Iroquois – p. 7 1T – These guys were the most powerful and dominant in North America. 5, and later 6, tribes formed the Iroquois Confederation, and used their power and shit 2 beat the shit outta every mother fucker around them.
Oh Shit!!! Horny-ass Europeans on the run!!!!!:
Marco Polo – p. 8 2B – In the 13th century, this dumbass ran all the way 2 China and ran back 2 Europe 2 report on what he saw. “Chicks are ugly and flat”, he said, “but man, do they got some spices and tight-ass jewelry”. OK, mebbe not. But anyhow, this was a precursor 2 exploration cuz it fueled the intense need 4 trade w/ the Orient.
Renaissance – p. 11 1T – In the 14th century, this phenomenon led 2 an increased desire 4 knowledge and adventure, also contributing 2 the eventual explorations.
Christopher Columbus – p. 11 1B – (1451-1506) – After being rejected by Portugal cuz of Diaz’s skillz, he went 2 Spain and seduced Isabella. So in 1492 he sailed the ocean blue w/ his three gay l’il ships, and went and ‘discovered’ the New mother fucking World. Although he didn’t get 2 the Orient, which was what he wanted, he laid the foundations 4 all this shit, and hence is called the most ‘successful failure in history’.
Hispaniola – p. 13 1T – The island that Columbus originally landed on, there were no more Indians left in 100 yrs.
Treaty of Tordesillas – p. 13 1B – 1494 – While Chrissy was still being pissy and claiming that he got 2 India, other less retarded ppl realized the discovery of some new shit, and Spain and Portugal talked w/ the pope and hammered out this treaty. It allowed the Portuguese 2 have Brazil and east, while Spain got everything 2 the west.
Balboa – p. 13 2T – In 1513, he crossed the Isthmus of Panama and discovered the Pacific Ocean.
Magellan – p. 13 2T – This fool circumnavigated the world and managed 2 reach the Spice Islands 4 Spain.
Juan Ponce de León – p. 13 2T – In 1513 and 1521, this guy went into Florida and searched 4 gold, as well as the famed “Fountain of Youth”. What, he couldn’t jack off???
Hernando de Soto – p. 13 2B – From 1539 2 1542, he went 2 Florida and explored the Mississippi Basin.
Francisco Pizzaro – p. 13 2B – In 1532, he went 2 Peru, kidnapped the emperor 4 a room of gold, then went in and killed everybody anyways so he could get more gold.
Francisco Coronado – p. 13 2T – Hearing of cities of gold in the American Southwest, he led an expedition there in 1540. However, nothing there was yellow except their piss; the houses were all shit-colored brown.
conquistadores – p. 13 1B – These guys were the guys that came 2 the New World 4um Spain in search of gold and some other shit, such as god, glory, and yessssss, of coursssssssse, PUSSY.
Mestizos – p. 15 2B – Obviously, once they found PUSSY, they got kids too. Mestizos was the name given 2 children of Spanish and Native American parents. These mixed guys came 2 dominate the Spanish Empire in the New World.
Peninsulares – These were the purebloods that were born in Spain and came 2 the Americas. These guys dominated @ 1st ,cuz the land that they received in the New World were kinda like peerages, granted by the Spanish govt.
Primogeniture – This method of having the 1st son inherit all the hoes led 2 the need of these guys…
Hidalgos – These were the sons that were 3rd or lower, and these were the main immigrants cuz they didn’t have shit.
Creoles – These were the pureblood Spaniards that were born in the New World, so they were the descendants of the peninsulares. Remember that the Hidalgos were a subclass of the peninsulares.
Hernando Cortés – p. 16 2B – In 1519, this faggot set sail w/ 200 greedy and horny bastards and set sail 4 the New World. With the help of a few pissed off tribes, some nice weapons, and a very, very retarded emperor, he succeeded in conquering the Aztec Empire.
Montezuma - p. 17 1B – In case u were wondering, this was the dumbass emperor of the Aztecs that thought Cortés was some kind of god.
Encomienda – Unlike England, which later had a take-all-u-want policy, land in the Spanish New World was given kinda like peerages. The encomienda was the power that gave the noble the land as well as the ppl on the land 2 fuck.
Black Legend – p. 20 1B – This is the theory that sez that the arrival of the Europeans fucked up the New World, that if Columbus hadn’t come over, then the New World woulda been a betta place. Book sez this is bullshit, I don’t give a shit, so guess what? Suck my mother fucking cock.
33000-8000 BC First humans cross into Americans 4um Asia
5000 BC Corn is developed as a staple crop in highland Mexico
4000 BC First civilized societies develop in the Middle East; End of prehistoric, beginning of ancient hist
1200 BC Corn planting reaches present-day American Southwest
1000 AD Norse voyagers discover and briefly settle in northeastern North America
1100-1300 Christian crusades arouse European interest in the East
1295 Marco Polo returns 2 Europe addicted 2 rice
1488 Diaz rounds the tip of Africa, prompting Portugal 2 kick Columbus out
1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and Spain got united too
1494 Treaty of Tordesillas
1498 Da Gama gets 2 India and goes back w/ 6000% profit.
1498 Cabot the Faggot goes 2 New England
1513 Balboa discovers the Pacific and claims it 4 Spain; Ponce de León looks 4 jizz fountain in Florida
1522 Magellan’s vessel completes circumnavigation
1524 Verrazano explores eastern seaboard of North America for France
1532 Pizzaro crushes the Incas
1534 Cartier takes his cock up the St. Lawrence River
1540 de Soto’s in the Southeast killin’ Injuns, Coronado’s in the Southwest killin’ Injuns
late 1500s According 2 Iroquois legend Hiawatha creates the Iroquois Confederacy
1769 Father Serra creates the 1st mission @ San Diego; El Camino Real (the royal road) later connects all of them.
SPOTLIGHT ON BUSH-isms (COURTESY OF OUR FUCKING GENIUS PRESIDENT): - a filler 4 all this wasted space…
“The California crunch really is the result of not enough
power-generating plants and then not enough
power to power the power of generating plants.”
- Interview w/ the New York Times 1/14/2001
Authored by Dick Wang the Aznheadmaster69